Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Moan for me like Helen Keller
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
