really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
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