i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
