Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
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