I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Randomize
