I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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