He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Randomize
