Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I had to cum in my sink.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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