Umm I'm too high to move.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
