go do what you do best...puke behind churches
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Randomize
