i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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