I'm going to rape someone's good day.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
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