I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
