The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
