This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
