even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Randomize
