I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I want her autograph on my taint
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
