i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Randomize
