Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
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