And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
