Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
