We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
