just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Actions speak louder than pants.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
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