then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
you never un-have a 4some
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize