I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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