So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Randomize