People in love make me want to vomit
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize