It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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