You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
