update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
