so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
why do cheetos always look like penises
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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