I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
