I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
