Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Randomize
