As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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