I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
