I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize