then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
