I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
