I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Randomize
