R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
there's paper in my vomit.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
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