Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
