while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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