Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
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