i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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