Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
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