i think my tv is drunk
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize