im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
