recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
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