She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
