she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
