i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
it was like having sex with a tree stump
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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