a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Who died my cat blue again?
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
