And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
this boner is exhausting
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
