I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Randomize
