So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
