Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
