I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
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