Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
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